I Want My Fucking Cocaine!

As I walk my dog around my neighborhood the only thing I see are signs advertising food, soda, snacks and, in all reality, basically crap.  Sugar laced crap.   Although, in some deep and dark place I think I am really just envious.   Everybody is walking around hyped up on sugar— it’s just unfair!  Why does my drug of choice get such bad press?   We have sugar dealers everywhere we look and to ensure a lifetime of addiction, they’re in schools too.  What about my rights?   Where’s my coke?  Why aren’t there laws to defend my equal rights to substance abuse?

Marijuana is slowly becoming legal and sugar is beyond legal—in fact, its promoted and championed.  I mean it only took $15m for the US federal government to convince the World Health Organization to falsify their studies about the dangers of sugar.  Thats total chump change.  The feds got nothing on Walt White.   But what about cocaine?  Seriously?  What about me?   What if I don’t wanna get fat off sugar— where is my rich, skinny person drug?  Where is my chance to destroy myself?  This is fucking discrimination.

Silly Bloomberg and his attempts to make soda smaller.  We live in a free society sir and we are endowed by our creator with the rights to freely choose how we must kill ourselves— it’s a fucking liberty.   So where is my cocaine?  I have freely and autonomously decided how I wanna destroy my body— but, apparently, we are only free insofar that we do exactly what they tell us to do, inclusive of our destructive habits.

My opponents would protest up and down that legalizing my precious cocaine will lead to a society of coked up drug addicts, but in a clinical study they found that cocaine-addicted rats greatly preferred sweet, sweet liquid sugar over cocaine.  So again I ask, what about my cocaine?  Seriously?  It wont be as popular as you think.

I think the reason our plutocracy doesn’t want to legalize my cocaine is because they really don’t understand how good it is….maybe they need a sample?  Maybe I should FEDEX them some.  In clinical studies they have found that the pleasure from receiving large amounts of money is equal to the pleasure triggered by cocaine.  So to all you rich, white, sugar pushing hypocrites— can you imagine how much money you’d make if you sold cocaine AND sugar??  Think of all the money?  Think of the high!  Imagine yourself making snow angels in all that cash.

Imagine if all the people in the country who protest and advocate against sugar where immediately pacified by long lines of chemically processed, government subsidized, well marketed cocaine— sold in the bulk aisle at Whole Foods with the label:

“ORGANIC AND ALL NATURAL COCAINE”

Then you can take the low potency, weak shit you have left and cut it with high fructose corn syrup and sell it at WALMART and call it something like RED BULL or MONSTER.

They expect 1/3 of all kids to be diabetic in years to come— imagine if they were all cocaine addicts too?  One drug that makes you thin and one drugs that makes you fat— FUCKING BRILLIANT.

I mean if we are going to be a FREE MARKET SOCIETY then why not go ALL OUT?   Right?
If we are going to grotesquely and unethically exploit the entire population— why not let us all get high too?   Maybe if I was doped up on coke I wouldn’t mind so much that the capitalist machine was persistently fucking me over at every possible turn.

In short:

I WANT MY FUCKING COCAINE!