I recently stumbled upon a Facebook post that had an image file that listed ten atrocious acts that, according to this posting, are acts the Qur’an preaches. The purpose of this blog is not to argue religious script, so I will not go down that path, but as an example it said that Muslims must “be-head non muslims”. I thought this sounded quite extreme, so I decided to look into this further and I looked up five different modern translations of the verse that was cited and a few others to be safe.
The translations I read did not state any of the claims that were made, explicitly, but I can see how the language could be seen differently— assuming, your goal was to make it sound evil and this was a bias you wanted to confirm. On a completely unrelated note: the clouds that just passed my window just gave me a Divinely inspired message that I should follow a religion that involves a Pegasus’ eating Pizza. I mean I did see a cloud that was obviously a Pegasus eating a pizza and its pretty obvious that anything in the celestial space is put there by celestial beings. Ipso facto, God wants me to follow a winged horse with a bad diet.
I challenged this Facebook post and commented that in my studies of religious script I have noticed that Christian text tends to be the most violent and, ironically so, Islamic text tends to be the most romantic. And obviously that statement implies that I find beheading people to be a romantic idea— swoon. Moreover, I was accused of not paying attention to the news and current events— obviously so, as I have been studiously working in the basement of some medieval european castle reading outdated and archaic religious script by candle-light for the last several years.
I have apparently missed the news story that told us that all people of Islamic faith are women hating, christian beating, child molesting extremists that go around beheading christians on random whims of divine inspiration. She alerted me that I am out of touch and that she has faith in her God and doesn’t consider her faith to be violent.
A man, of obviously islamic descent, just walked into the coffee shop I am writing in and he has two children with them. Is he a child molester? Is that his daughter or his child-wife? Is he gonna behead me for believing in flying horses? What should I do? His ‘daughter’ is wearing a backpack covered in Pegasus imagery— obviously a sign from God that I must act. My Little Pony my ass— there must be some a Qur’an verse about pegasus trickery.
He just left the coffee shop— sigh of relief. Good thing too, cause I am just a cowardly agnostic who can’t commit to anything anyway.
Are Christians violent? Well I don’t know. Not a single christian ran to my aid to fight off the Child-marrying-coffee-drinking Muslim that invaded my Corporate-Capitalistic mecca. There are some books that speak of some pretty violent things in christian history…but, those are just books. I wasn’t actually there. I think its fair to call that merely conjecture. My Facebook friend does not live in the middle-east and her notions of life in EVERY middle-eastern country come from American Media Outlets I read a FOX NEWS editorial once that said Journalism is more accurate than history (missing citation). Well that is ample evidence for me. FACT: media tells the truth.
Another man, of obviously Islamic descent, just walked in and this dude has a beard and everything. I have learned from Facebook that any random person of Islamic faith is actually a representative of the thoughts, emotions, faith and morality of EVERY other Muslim. So lucky for me, i can just ask this dude some questions about these issues, and because he speaks for everybody— all disputes will be settled.
ME: Excuse me sir, I am writing an essay on religion and I like to know if i can ask you a couple questions.
This Extremely Random Recipient Obviously Refutes Islamic Stance on Terror (T.E.R.R.O.R.I.S.T. for short): Sure, but it must be brief, I am in a hurry.
(I pulled a clipboard and pen out of my bag to look official)
Me: first question: What is your religious faith?
T.E.R.R.O.R.I.S.T.: What really? Uhm, I am Catholic.
Me: Ok, very good. Have you ever done any of the following acts: beat your wife, behead christians…. (interrupted)
T.E.R.R.O.R.I.S.T.: Wait, hold on, what kind of survey is this? Why are you asking me these crazy questions?
ME: Oh, I am sorry if this line of questioning offends you, the internets told me that you speak for Islam and I am trying to get some clarification on some radical ethical stances the internets told me you have.
(he grabbed his coffee and walked away….I think he might have said ‘fuck off’)
He is obviously lying about his religion and his hostility implies he has something to hide. I accept that as evidence that all Muslims are terrorists.
Lastly I was accused, in this Facebook thread, of lacking ‘heart knowledge’. I was not sure what that meant, so I googled it. According to Wikipedia I am a psychopath! Holy crap! If I was a psychopath, then obviously I would have not pussy’d out earlier when the Islamic threat was standing right in front of me. But, you know, maybe I am not a regular run-of-the-mill psychopath. Maybe I have a code, like Dexter. I can work with that.
Holy shit! A giant Pegasus just walked into the coffee shop. I boldly tapped into my inner psychopath and leaped up and smashed this giant Purple Pegasus in the head. In his last dying breath he gestured that I come closer. I leaned in. And with a bloody Starbucks logo branded on his forehead and a single tear sliding down his face he whispered, “God Speed”.
I am now permanently banned from Starbucks…… “GODDAMN IT!”