A few months back I came up with the idea to create a Donald Trump parody website that frames Donald Trump as a matter-of-fact fascist who is trying to usher back-in an era of World War 2 style fascist totalitarianism. And, here ya go: www.MakeAmericaFascistAgain.com. Continue reading “Make America Fascist Again”
I have noticed that in response to the tragic shooting in Oregon earlier this week there has been a huge upswing in posts arguing in favor for gun regulations— memes, comments and photos of statistics. I understand that hearing about 8 white people being murdered in Oregon is alarming and it feels close to home, but I am here to let white people know that there is no need for alarm. I understand that mass murder has been on the rise and they occur all the time…like, every day. But, white people don’t get upset, don’t worry, you’re ok. I had a chance to interview Doug McCallister, a white person, to help understand what the big concern is all about, Doug explains, “I just don’t understand, I thought we were supposed to be safe, I thought violent crime was something that happened over there, you know…..this isn’t supposed to happen to normal Americans, this isn’t how the system’s supposed to work — man, this is totally fucked up…”, Doug continues, “we need to find a way to stop this violence…damn, shit like this, it’s just wrong — those kids were white.”
I understand that our sensationalist white-people news does a disservice by embellishing these crimes and making them seem really, really scary; but I will help put you to ease and let you know everything is still in order. Yes, there has been a huge surge in mass murder in the United States, but to keep things in perspective, I will give you a break down of the statistics. Over the last 30 years mass murder has accounted for 0.1% of all homicides — and, if you think using a broad-range figure like that does not account of the recent surge in mass murder, then note that in 2012 mass murder accounted for 0.0083% (and this figure used data that was rounded up to account for disparity in data interpretation) of all homicides. Let me explain what that figure means: for every 100,000 citizens, .027 died from a mass murder shooting. You see, the threat of bodily harm to white people is pretty low— there is no need to be concerned. That means you have nearly a 300% higher chance of being murdered in Denmark than being killed in a mass murder. So I understand that it is very scary to hear about white people dying, but the situation is really not as bad as you think— being white in America has not lost any of its charm or privilege.
I spoke to a white friend about this issue and they explained to me that it has nothing to do with the victims being white, but it has to do with our systemically violent culture and the high homicide rate we have in comparison to our industrialized counterparts, and other such things. I thought about this for a while and realized this makes completely no sense whatsoever, I mean, if this was the case then wouldn’t people be calling for gun regulations every time there was some spike in homicide— regardless of the race, class and gender of the victim? How about back in May when Baltimore had the most homicides in a single month in over 40 years and this was on the heel of 2014 when Baltimore had a mind-blowing homicide rate of 33.1; and, if you recall back in May, white people where not discussing gun regulations in response to Baltimore’s horrendously violent month — no posts about crime, no memes, no statistics on crime, no call to action and no youtube video from Obama. So if people were really concerned about violence in general, then you’d think there’d be a constant stream of complaints, right? I mean, look at the disparity in these figures: you have a 122,500% higher chance of being murdered in Baltimore — and 213,700% in New Orleans in 2011— than you do of being killed in a mass murder. So even though the media coverage bombards us with these tragic stories of mass shootings and even though people can post these fantastic figures about how often mass murders occur, please note, in maintaining the social structure — or what Henry Kissinger called “the overall framework of order” — everything is still in order. There has been no dent made in white privilege — white people, you’re ok.
I know what you must be thinking, it’s unfair to use Baltimore, or New Orleans, or St. Louis, or Newark or any of these cities, because in those places violence is kind of a given, it is to be expected that the violence will be high — I mean, if you choose to live in one of those cities, you obviously made a calculated risk and it is what it is. If you don’t wanna be murdered, then don’t live in a town with high murder rates— right? Things should be perceived in relation— like, for example, if you choose to live in East St. Louis you should understand that you have a higher than average chance of being murdered, and conversely, in Roseburg, Oregon, which is 91% white people, you have an extremely low chance of being murdered; incidents of murder in Roseburg are an outlier, but in East St. Louis murder is so commonplace that any particular incident of murder has no statistical significance, or, in other words, it’s not news worthy— it does not matter to anybody, especially white people. Because, as we all know, what really matters is that white people remain safe. So, white people, don’t worry, you will be fine — the hegemony has been maintained.
I recently stumbled upon a Facebook post that had an image file that listed ten atrocious acts that, according to this posting, are acts the Qur’an preaches. The purpose of this blog is not to argue religious script, so I will not go down that path, but as an example it said that Muslims must “be-head non muslims”. I thought this sounded quite extreme, so I decided to look into this further and I looked up five different modern translations of the verse that was cited and a few others to be safe.
The translations I read did not state any of the claims that were made, explicitly, but I can see how the language could be seen differently— assuming, your goal was to make it sound evil and this was a bias you wanted to confirm. On a completely unrelated note: the clouds that just passed my window just gave me a Divinely inspired message that I should follow a religion that involves a Pegasus’ eating Pizza. I mean I did see a cloud that was obviously a Pegasus eating a pizza and its pretty obvious that anything in the celestial space is put there by celestial beings. Ipso facto, God wants me to follow a winged horse with a bad diet.
I challenged this Facebook post and commented that in my studies of religious script I have noticed that Christian text tends to be the most violent and, ironically so, Islamic text tends to be the most romantic. And obviously that statement implies that I find beheading people to be a romantic idea— swoon. Moreover, I was accused of not paying attention to the news and current events— obviously so, as I have been studiously working in the basement of some medieval european castle reading outdated and archaic religious script by candle-light for the last several years.
I have apparently missed the news story that told us that all people of Islamic faith are women hating, christian beating, child molesting extremists that go around beheading christians on random whims of divine inspiration. She alerted me that I am out of touch and that she has faith in her God and doesn’t consider her faith to be violent.
A man, of obviously islamic descent, just walked into the coffee shop I am writing in and he has two children with them. Is he a child molester? Is that his daughter or his child-wife? Is he gonna behead me for believing in flying horses? What should I do? His ‘daughter’ is wearing a backpack covered in Pegasus imagery— obviously a sign from God that I must act. My Little Pony my ass— there must be some a Qur’an verse about pegasus trickery.
He just left the coffee shop— sigh of relief. Good thing too, cause I am just a cowardly agnostic who can’t commit to anything anyway.
Are Christians violent? Well I don’t know. Not a single christian ran to my aid to fight off the Child-marrying-coffee-drinking Muslim that invaded my Corporate-Capitalistic mecca. There are some books that speak of some pretty violent things in christian history…but, those are just books. I wasn’t actually there. I think its fair to call that merely conjecture. My Facebook friend does not live in the middle-east and her notions of life in EVERY middle-eastern country come from American Media Outlets I read a FOX NEWS editorial once that said Journalism is more accurate than history (missing citation). Well that is ample evidence for me. FACT: media tells the truth.
Another man, of obviously Islamic descent, just walked in and this dude has a beard and everything. I have learned from Facebook that any random person of Islamic faith is actually a representative of the thoughts, emotions, faith and morality of EVERY other Muslim. So lucky for me, i can just ask this dude some questions about these issues, and because he speaks for everybody— all disputes will be settled.
ME: Excuse me sir, I am writing an essay on religion and I like to know if i can ask you a couple questions.
This Extremely Random Recipient Obviously Refutes Islamic Stance on Terror (T.E.R.R.O.R.I.S.T. for short): Sure, but it must be brief, I am in a hurry.
(I pulled a clipboard and pen out of my bag to look official)
Me: first question: What is your religious faith?
T.E.R.R.O.R.I.S.T.: What really? Uhm, I am Catholic.
Me: Ok, very good. Have you ever done any of the following acts: beat your wife, behead christians…. (interrupted)
T.E.R.R.O.R.I.S.T.: Wait, hold on, what kind of survey is this? Why are you asking me these crazy questions?
ME: Oh, I am sorry if this line of questioning offends you, the internets told me that you speak for Islam and I am trying to get some clarification on some radical ethical stances the internets told me you have.
(he grabbed his coffee and walked away….I think he might have said ‘fuck off’)
He is obviously lying about his religion and his hostility implies he has something to hide. I accept that as evidence that all Muslims are terrorists.
Lastly I was accused, in this Facebook thread, of lacking ‘heart knowledge’. I was not sure what that meant, so I googled it. According to Wikipedia I am a psychopath! Holy crap! If I was a psychopath, then obviously I would have not pussy’d out earlier when the Islamic threat was standing right in front of me. But, you know, maybe I am not a regular run-of-the-mill psychopath. Maybe I have a code, like Dexter. I can work with that.
Holy shit! A giant Pegasus just walked into the coffee shop. I boldly tapped into my inner psychopath and leaped up and smashed this giant Purple Pegasus in the head. In his last dying breath he gestured that I come closer. I leaned in. And with a bloody Starbucks logo branded on his forehead and a single tear sliding down his face he whispered, “God Speed”.
I am now permanently banned from Starbucks…… “GODDAMN IT!”
The Facebook Party: Continue reading “The Facebook Blog that Will Change Your Life!!!”