The Facebook Party:
My partner and I have been reluctant to attending this party but our co-workers have ensured us that it will be fine and that it is totally kid friendly too. We decided to go to this party, for the first time, on a Monday night- in hopes it would be less overwhelming, as we have no idea what to expect.
We arrived at Marks house after work on the following Monday around 6pm and we knocked on the door. The doorman greets us and he proceeds to scan our driver’s license and asks us to jot down our email address in the guest registry. Apparently, we are the only people at this party. The doorman tells us that it is ok, it’s our first time and this is to be expected. He hands us an electronic tablet, the same one that was used to scan our license, and on the screen are photos of my friends with their names adjacent to their photos. I can sort these friends by region, work or school. I look back up to the doorman and he says, go ahead and scroll through the list of people and select who should attend this party by just tapping their photo. My wife and both children were also given their own tablets and we sat in the foyer of Marks home clicking away at photos of our friends- reducing all the human contact we have ever had to the electronic equivalent of Whack-a-mole. The more people we selected, the longer the list became, as if it was running some script to predict other people we may be friends with based on previous selections- such a clever little toy.
It took us nearly an hour to complete this friend selection process and when we finally finished we hit <submit> and within seconds friends started materializing, as if from nowhere. Within minutes there were hundreds of people talking, mingling, drinking and eating- music was playing softly in the background. All of us were in utter amazement of how so many of our friends were suddenly all at the same party- there must have easily been a thousand people at this party and this house seemed to go on forever in every direction.
We all stood at the edge of the foyer and slowly scanned the room, reluctantly absorbing the bombardment of stimulation. Out of nowhere a man appeared at the top of the stairs, which did not exist a second ago, and he seemed to glide down the stairs and then across the floor- like an apparition or Fred Astaire. He had this aura glowing around him and the chaos of activity that permeated around him did not penetrate his glowing blue bubble. He seemed to be quite intently focused on us, but even though his motivations were highly methodical, his smile had the serene tranquility of a highly intoxicated Jack Kerouac character. I was hypnotized by his journey across the room.
I was suddenly sucked out of my trance and realized that he was standing in front of us: short blond curly hair, dark eyes and a light playful smile- like an ADHD child who is impatiently eager to show us the Lego fort he just made. His aura had seemed to shift from blue to yellow and his sudden omnipotence seemed to tether between The Great Gatsby and Southparks satirical depiction of Jesus. His smile grew wider and began skewing right as he slowly raised his hand towards me- I had no such desire to shake his hand, but, as if by divine intervention, I acquiesced and our hands locked, then shook. He then shook the hands of my wife and children and upon the final handshake, as if scripted, he said, “Welcome to the party, I am Mark and I will be your host. Are you ready for the tour?” I turned and looked at my wife, as to get her validation of venturing forward and she looked back at me, her expression was the bastard love child of an Evangelical on a Sunday and a meth addict on any day; in other words, she looked like a zombie- hungry and primal. I glanced down and saw the child version of this expression reflected in my kids and induced that I must be mirroring this sentiment. Out of a deep-seeded desire for social validation and to appease my ego, which we categorically rationalized as mere curiosity, we cordially accept his offer for a tour.
“Yes! Mark, we’d love a tour!”
Mark takes me by the hand. His grip was soft, yet paternal- resembling what you’d expect from the hand of the Dali Lama or David Koresh. We follow him into the party. We are now completely engulfed by his aura and the tour ensues.
“Excellent!” Mark exalts, insert visions of Mr. Burns as you see fit. Mark continues, “Prior to your arrival we have been extensively researching your patterns, interests, behaviors and even your purchasing habits. Plus, the party is heavily monitored by our highly skilled engineering team- they are constantly tracking everything you do, to ensure that every moment of this party is completely maximized with happiness! We are here to serve all your needs!”
I softly raise my hands, as if that’s protocol, and begin to say, “Tracking me, what? Wait? When?” The sounds of my concerns decay’s into silence upon seeing Mark hold a single finger over my mouth. I stare back at him awaiting validation and a smile paints across his face like the creepy clown in Stephen King’s It. How can he be so condescending, yet so irresistibly charming? He melts away the tension and continues his tour.
“Based on the data we have collected about you so far, we have already determined how each of you will best enjoy the party. Lets start in the kitchen.” We enter a kitchen that is so perfect that if it took the cover of Home and Garden every month for eternity nobody would ever complain. The kitchen seems to be as big as several football fields and there are literally miles of counters covered in beautifully prepared dishes, but some how, everything is in hands reach. Speaking to my wife, Mark says, “This will be the part of the party that you will reside in. We have determined that you enjoy looking at food and we have carefully crafted all the dishes based on your eating habits. Take this,” Mark hands her a mobile phone, “and take as many photos as you want. Photos of food, photos of you eating food and even pictures of your friends posing with food. Just go NUTS!” As he gestures towards a beautiful crystal bowl that is overflowing with the perfect mixture of nuts. #StupidPun
“Alright boys, lets continue the tour!” my boys and I follow Mark out of the kitchen as my wife wanders off into a food-coma-photo-taking daze. We walk past hundreds of people and go through a doorway and down a flight of stairs. As we make our way down the stairs we begin hearing a symphony of electronic music and sound effects and bright flashes of multi-colored lights bleed all over the stairwell. As we make the final bend of the stairway and our destination becomes clear, we realize we have entered into the biggest collection of video games I have ever seen- it is an absolute oasis of gaming, #Nerdtopia. “Our engineers have determined that your boys would enjoy this part of the party the most, so go ahead boys, go play!” – my kids, wide eyed and jaw dropped, vanish instantly into a sea of multi-player gaming perfection. “Alright then, shall we march on?” I subserviently shrug, “Excellent!” #MrBurns We entered another door and go down, yet another, flight of stairs. “So it is going to take us few minutes to get down all these stairs and get to your section of the party, so I will take this time to let you know about some other features and dynamic elements of the party…” #BestWorkoutEver!! #Fitbit #Lazy
“First and foremost, I have to warn you that the people in the gaming room, were we dropped off your kids, sometimes escape and they will try very hard to get people outside of their room to join their games. You can choose to ignore them if you wish, but they are quite tenacious and they will be very persistent. If you do decide to join their games you will most likely never leave the game room- very few ever do.” I cowardly look over at Mark, as if I would lose his acceptance and approval if I were to be overcome by the gamers. He acutely and empathically reads my fears, “If you decide to join the game room, I ensure you there is nothing to be ashamed of. It is, by far, our most popular room and quite frankly, if I wasn’t hosting this party that’s where I’d be.” He gently touches my shoulder and I sink back into my previous state of bliss. #BestHostEVR!
“All over the party you will see electronic reader boards, like this one” he points at an electronic reader in the stairwell, “and they are constantly displaying what topics are trending amongst all the people at this party and all the other parties combined. Every single word you say and every single thought you think is used to calculate these trending topics.” I stop and stare at the reader board for a minute and watch the trending words fly by ‘Facebook profits soar’ #401kFail, ‘Ukraine Prime Minister Resigns’ #WhoCares, ‘Ebola fever’ #Veggie4life. “Shall we continue?” Mark asks.
“Oh yes, sorry. Let’s continue”
“As you can see this party is filled with many things: from furniture to games, to cooking appliances and so on. Any object you can imagine is here at this party. If there is something you like or want to own, all you have to do is touch it and think I want to buy this and it will instantly become yours and we will deliver it to your house within two business days. If there is any person at the party you want to communicate with, just think their name and you can immediately start communicating with them, telepathically. With the quantity of people at this party its bound to be at least a dozen peoples birthdays at any given moment and you can wish anybody Happy Birthday, by merely thinking it- you can even think them a gift. If you get engrossed in a conversation with somebody and you want to include a friend who is not in the same room, just think their name and they will immediately start hearing the conversation and be able to chime in.”
I politely interrupt Mark by holding up my hand, “Hold up!? I can just speak with anybody at the party by thinking their name and that’s it? Wouldn’t all that telepathic chatter become confusing and hard to follow?” #FirstWorldProblems
“We are well aware of this potential problem and we systematically alert you to these telepathic requests and comments in a way that allows you to process them one at a time – we do not want this party to become overwhelming…relax, it’s a party!” #Party4Life
“Wow Mark, you have certainly thought of everything…. I am not trying to rush you or anything, but when do we get to my room, I must admit, I am kinda curious!” #LongestWorkoutEver #ICouldHaveClimbedMtEverestByNow
“Perfect timing! It’s just around this corner. Welcome to the SPORTS ROOM! [he pauses for dramatic effect #Diva] We have determined that it is impossible for a single person to watch every live sporting event at the same time, so in this room you get to relax in your favorite lounge chair and every touchdown, homerun, hockey fight and all relevant sports highlights will systematically appear in your head in real time, along with all your friends comments and thoughts about these highlights.” With excitement, I begin dragging my head around the room and I see thousands of men and women all sitting in chairs with their feet up. Their faces feature the full spectrum of emotions from angry to ecstatic. The room is absolutely silent- all the sports commentary is happening telepathically between everybody. The walls are covered in advertisements from every beer and spirit ever invented, and just like Mark said, if I touch it and think it, I can own it. I touch myself a cold Budweiser #Whitetrash and think myself the perfect lounge chair #BestChairEver #CouchPotato4Life and they both appear. A perfectly chilled glass of bud and the most comfortable chair ever invented. #WhaaaaaaaatsUp
I push one of the many lounge chair switches and my feet go flying into perfect horizontal leisureness #MakingUpWords I look back to thank my wonderful host for all his hospitality, but all I see is his body shrinking and fading into the background of the internet.
I am sucked back into my leisureness #MakingWordsTrendy by the catchy and calming song that precedes Monday night football. F00000TBALL!!!! #NinersBaby #MNF!!! #Kapernick!!! #FacebookParty4Life! #TimeToGetMyDrinkOn! #WuzzzzzzzUp
<Sincere> I have never felt so connected. </sincere>
#Capitalism #CorporateSlave #MarkZuckerberg4President #1984 #FirstWorldProblem #Complacency #Apathy #WorseBlogEVR! #ThisBlogsTooFuckingLong #IWishMrBurnsWuzReal #iHeartCatVideos #hashtagsSux